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How Then

After eight months or so, you came back just when I started telling myself maybe it was over. I read your email. I cried when I saw your name. I could hardly believe it.


There were two reasons why I cried. First, your unexpected presence in my mail gave me a total shock. You may ask why? That's the second reason. I thought that I am ready to move on, leave everything behind me and start anew.


Without you, it may be easy. There would be no you to wait and to think about. There would be no you to make me feel guilty about ignoring you even if it had not been my fault. But I believe that I have done the best I could to salvage this relationship. Everyday there would be an email for you even if it only contained simple hi's and how are you's. Often I gave you a call even if it means spending much for the load. Though I know that all these are part to maintain whatever we have. Yet at the end, I would still pause and tell myself, it was only me who made the effort of keeping the love alive. Something has been missing somewhere: you.


I have to admit. I met someone. We are not involved romantically or intimately. We are friends. And this friendship becomes my shield from the emptiness and the loneliness I feel. The longing I have for you has been filled by this friendship. I do not want to claim that I am falling in love but I do not want to deny that either. You could just say that I am still confused with what I am feeling right now. I like to entertain the thought that I have someone I can be myself with just like when I was with you then. I do not want to haphazardly commit myself to that involvement yet without being sure about it.


Still there was you to consider. I do not want to make a mess about us, about what we have, about my friend.


As I am evolving into this new found connection, as I find myself being happy and accepting, there you were again. You make the peace I am starting to enjoy chaotic. Difficult, it was truly difficult to assess how is it in me. About you, I am still sure that I only need time to reconnect. About my friend, I am sure I need the time to heal myself of the potential pain.


How could it be that when I thought I have a fresh lease on love and lifemy past came back into the picture again? Though I do not consider us history but I am prepared to call it done.


I hope you understand.


I hope my friend will understand. We both know that what we refused to discuss and to admit will haunt us. By choice, we avoided discussing about us, about the looming attachment, but we are aware it's there. Now without much option available to us we have to face it. The ghost we created is hunting us and we need to face it to overcome it.


Ma, I am always here for you. Friend, I will remain the same no matter what happen. But life is no life at all when I have to give up either one of you.
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