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Christmas Without You

I often asked myself, 'how's Christmas without you?'

Then, it all happened. I do not need to ask how. I already know.

I never thought it could be this difficult. I imagined myself in the middle of the buzz around, in the midst of strangers, in the thick of events, and yet I am lost. I could feel but I could never tell what. I could sense. I understand. I know.

Sometimes it is easier to deny what I feel, what I sense, what I understand, what I know. It would bring me closer to the memories. And when I am with them, I am with you.

Memories are my only bridge to you. They let me be with you. They bring back my life. They bring back the meaning of my being. They make me whole.

Too many times I had tried to leave the days behind. And get on with life ahead of me. Too many I tried to deny the feelings and tell myself I have already moved on. Too many times I tried to divert my attention to better things and appreciate life.

I tell you, too many times I failed.

Miserable. I am. And I still think, it is not enough to paint the pain inside of me.
The carols, the lights, the sights, the sounds. They all remind me of you.

And now you were not here with me anymore. What is it to be alone?

It's Christmas. All I dream of is having you back. But I think, to dream is my only refuge.

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