Reflections

I have never been away from any of your birthdays in the past. But today I am in a distant land. I become a stranger to the people around me as they are to me. I used to think that you don't know me as I am. Stranger I become to you. Like the people who used to gather around me each day. There are things to say. There are words that need be spoken. But sometimes silence speaks better than any word conveys. I sense that I have not completely explored that part between you and me. We have not spent so much time telling things to each other. We have not spent much time on our own. I was not the one you expected me to be. I was completely different from the person you wanted me to be. Yet, I am me.There are some moments in my life that I feel you totally disown me. You have never really accepted me as who and what I am. Still I pretend that I coexist with you in harmony. At times we might be beside each other but I felt that a great distance separated us. At times I attempted to narrow...

Today is my mom's birthday. I called home to greet her. Being away from them for months now, I am still tortured by pangs of loneliness and emptiness. This is the first time that I was away during her birthday. It saddens me to think that I am not part of this day and be with her. As I talked to her, Dad, my cousins and friends who were there to celebrate with her, I am enveloped with sadness. Birthdays are the time when the family gets together. It is the day when you express your appreciation, gratitude and love to the person. We may not show it or say it, but they know that you do care for them. My mother is a significant person in my life. Not because she is my mother but because she becomes the person you would like to be with when things go right or wrong. She understands my needs, my weaknessess, my strengths, my limitations. Though she may not totally know the son she has nurtured and brought with so much love and attention into this world, she fully is aware that I have my...

Today is my parents' 39th year of marriage. They were married in 1967 and the following year I was born. Not long after my sister came the next year and another sister a year after that. Then there was a two year gap before my brother came and another two years before the youngest brother. I thought that was it but six years later, my youngest sister came. There were six children, three boys and three girls. Being the eldest, I was part of them. Vividly, I could still recall when Mom was pregnant with one of them and I would be listening to the sounds inside the womb and waiting for some actions whenever the baby moved. It excited me a lot. That is the advantage of being the eldest; I become part of them all. Thirty nine years later and being away from home, I am reflecting on how my family had been. There were difficult and trying moments. The relationships were somewhat shaky at times. I often had misunderstandings with them. There were times that I felt I was not independent eno...

Two weeks of that glorious December when the breeze softly kissed the cheeks, Dad and Mom with Jasmin, my youngest sister, came to Penang to visit me. They arrived on the 22nd of December 2006 and I went to KL to get them. On the first night, we stayed with Along Uzni's home. We were so grateful to him for the kind accommodation. They experienced how was it to stay with a typical Malay family. Along Uzni stays with the wife, of course, and three daughters. As I was waiting for them to arrive, I together with Aizan went to Times Square where I enjoyed the rides in CosmoWorld. I had fun with the various rides there; some of which were my first. We went around KL. Unfortunately, they were not able to go up the bridge of the Twin Towers as there were too many visitors that day. It was holiday that's why people were everywhere. They were just able to see it from below. When in Penang, we went to see the various places: the different temples, Fort Cornwallis, Botanical gardens, Penan...

Today I called Dad to greet him on his special day. I am always happy to hear his voice. It makes me think of those days I spent with him. When I was in high school, I stayed with Dad in a rented room in San Marcelino, Manila. Being the eldest, I was the first child to be sent to the city to continue my studies. It was quite sad being far from my siblings and Mom. But it was an experience which taught me how to be me, how to deal with my difficulties, my frustrations, my loneliness. The experience enriched me with tales of existence and of survival. And this I proudly share my students and friends. Dad has taught me so much about life. Late have I realized it but realizations come late in life. Now that I am in that threshold, I could still hear those words which echoed the wisdom and sentiments of my father. Then, I might not understand it fully well but that is life. Understanding the mysteries comes in after much reflection. It has been two years that I have not been with you during...

When you were born I was in the 6th grade. I vividly remember that day. I went to class gladly telling my friends that you already came after a long wait. Perhaps being the eldest child, I had that rare opportunity to be a silent witness to all of you, my siblings, coming to the world. I was in Manila when you were growing up. Dad and Mom sent me to the city to further my studies. I stayed there til I finished my graduate work. Though I went back in between breaks and during holidays, I still felt that I never really saw you blossomed into a young lady. I felt that I missed something. When I decided to teach and stay, then I realized that you were not a child anymore. I have my own world and you have yours. I did not understand that. All I knew then was that you should fit into my world, that we belong to the same world. I was wrong. And that was my greatest mistake. I tried to make amends of the things I took for granted. You were one of those. I never truly bothered to ask you how yo...

I am not even sure whether your name starts with a J or a P. I always assume it's a J since all in the family have a J and that also gives us the same initials, JAC. The last time I saw you was when you brought your wife and child back home after a long absence. Destiny has it that you settle in Cebu and life goes on then. It has been some time since I talked to you. As children, we have fond memories of those days gone by. I might not have been always with you those times but I was a witness to your struggles and difficulties, to your discovery of the real you and your world. I understand what you have gone through. Sometimes I believe that I do not know how to be a big brother to you. At times, I just watched you in a corner, speechless, helpless, letting you on your own. I have to admit I was also afraid; afraid of something I could not understand. Life has so much intimidations and I think I was drown by them. With my own helplessness, I let you be. And you were on your own. Ye...

Last Tuesday my brother went to the US, the land where every Filipino dreams to be. My brother is one of them. Not that he wants to be an American citizen (though that may be possible in the not so distant future) but circumstances force him to find greener pastures in the land of milk and honey. Just not sure if the land still flows with so much opportunities for us to harvest (sounds as if they grow on trees or sprout everywhere). I last saw my brother Sunday before the flight. We did not have much exchange of words. I was in the K of C meeting and when I went home he was already on his way to Manila. That saddens me. Not being able to talk with him or even hug him. I will miss him terribly. The night before Tuesday I was trying to call him but nobody picked up the phone. Might be that they were already asleep. It was late anyway. Fifteen minutes before the scheduled flight I was able to reach him. For a minute or so, I was able to tell him some brotherly reminders. Tears just flowed...

...missing you so much. I fondly remember the time when you brought me to my first Crispa-Toyota basketball game at the Araneta. I was a high school freshman then. I was a a big fan of the Crispa team, and these two teams were the best in the league. Every game they had would fill the Dome to the rafters, even to its dead spot. And that is the magic that the games would bring into play. After the game, you still treated me somewhere. It was our first father-son bonding. I mean, it was just you and me. Young as I was, I never realized what it was then. But it was etched in my heart forever. With every opportunity I had, I would always recount that time we had together. Hinting that it was the best we had together. It never happened again. Maybe because my other siblings also went to the City to study. We had company. But so glad am I that I had that chance with you. I'd like you to know that my Valentine was quite special. I ate lunch with Mom and Jose Marie at Samland. We ordered t...