Reflections

Uneasy. That was how I felt during the day. I could not fathom why. There must be something but really I could not remember any. Earlier, a week ago, I knew it was coming. It reminded me of the most painful part of my life. And probably that causes my grief. Until now. After a year. Today is your graduation day. What a time to think about it? And it is also the day we separated a year ago. Isn't it too tiring? Having both goodbyes on the same date? Hehe, just trying to sound funny. Then, in the midst of my uneasiness, I watched your photos, I played our songs, I reminisced that very night, I cried. It was terrible. It happened all of a sudden. One lousy night, one stupid fight, and everything was gone. What has love got to do with it? I thought we were inseparable. But that night proved us wrong. I do not know what to think of us, of you. All I know is to go on living, and loving. But how do you love again when there is so much pain in your heart? My heart longs for the same love...

Never had a good sleep for some few nights now. Don't know what's going on. Just feel that I am not having enough sleep. A doctor friend told me that not having enough sleep may be due to stress. She also mentioned tensions or worries as probable reasons. Whatever the culprit is, I know my body longs for some good rest. But honestly, is it my body that needs that well deserve respite or my heart or my mind? Haha, that is quite funny. Here I am again. Thinking that everything boils down to some frustrations or failures. Well, that could be true, partly or otherwise. Who in the world has admitted right away that he is feeling one way or the other? We are good at pretending, afraid of acknowledging that we are being consumed by our limitations. In many occasions, I have the temerity of saying that I feel something but I fear facing the ghost. I'd rather ignore it. But who does not do so anyway? Almost everyone. Among my friends, even those I thought the strongest among us, wo...

My friend met Dennis, at last. They've met before but this meeting is different because they know it is something that they will remember for a long time, if not forever. That I do hope. He is also out of the hospital. After battling with pneumonia for some time, my friend is now recuperating at home. I insisted he stays for few more days so he can really have a nice long respite from all the hassles around him. During his stay in the hospital, I met Kuya Lengleng, his older brother, and wife Ate Precy. I also met Duut, his nephew, a son of Kuya Nestie and Ate Perla. Well, he is a nice guy and a happy father of three at 24. Imagine that. He has three kids at a tender age and I have none. In the midst of our discussion, I happened to say again that at least, his life has meaning and directions because of his family. In life, we need to look at what we have to be thankful for and not those that we regret getting into. Life has upsides and downsides. Where ever we are now, at least, ...

I was greeted with anger in school this morning. Some people know how to start to make a bad day. Well, this is what happened. My principal was having the usual bad morning. I needed to see her for something. Upon seeing me, she mentioned about the errors in the graduation souvenir program which I made. That was enough to make her flaunt and burst like a raging volcano. She let it out at the top of her lungs. Seated there, I was listening to every word that gets between my ears. I remained calm. I never uttered a word. When I felt that it is time for me to say my piece, I talked. With caution and brevity, I said, when you got mad at seeing those errors, it would be understandable; but how would you think I feel when I was the one who made it? It was already the final print. No amount of anger would revise those errors anyway. So I remained what I think is better to be done, be calm. Divert our energy to something positive. If I feel that nothing can be done, then be it. Some things ar...

My best friend is in a hospital. He is suffering from a disease with a name I can't even remember. Just kidding, the doctor said it is a kind of pulmonary disease. Well, it is something that hardworking people often get when they think their bodies do not complain and feel they can still handle it. I hope I got that right. Whatever. Anyhow, while he was lying in the bed and I was seated beside him, we were talking about something when he suddenly mentioned the word magic . I was thinking how come he said it. Oh, I remember. I was about to leave when I threw him this question: who is the person you have in mind you want to be with here tonight? I volunteered a name and that's when he said, no, we lost the magic. Then I said back, yeah, you are right. Love is like magic...it is something that appears unexpectedly, and something that disappears when you thought you had it with you. A hearty laugh followed soon. But true enough, magic is there with true love. You feel you are a dif...

We went for a night swimming. My friends and I enjoyed the cool breeze of the starry night in Alroa (that's the name of the resort). Well, I did not exactly go for a dip but as I said I enjoyed the night and the thought that I was out of home. I rarely get out of the house since vacation started. I just don't know but I was actually afraid of leaving home after that 'incident' that happened a week ago. It frightens me til now. Having survived that, I believe it was kinda life changing. It made me change the way I look at my life now. It feels weird but I really enjoy being at home, with my mom and being alone with myself. But I had to admit that it is suffocating at times. I need to get out to breathe some fresh air and enjoy a refreshingly new environment. I believe that everyone of us, once in our life, well, maybe more, experiences that kind of imprisonment. We feel we are being burdened by our loneliness, that it is okay to be alone. But hey, one day, we will wake u...

From a long hiatus, I now have posted a number of blogs. These are previously published in another account which have already closed for reasons unclear to me. Thus, the sequence of the narratives is a bit confusing. It started with the oldest posts to the newer ones. I felt I have to include all of them as they remind me of how I used to be during those times. I believe that readers will understand that each writing is a memory. Each memory is an existence in the vastness of life. Feel free to give your comments and reactions to each. I will be thankful to all who give attention and time to this endeavor. And in doing so, you become part of this life... ...my life.

When you are alone and lonely, there are so many questions in your mind. You feel everything. You remember everything. The details of life seem to present to you in every way possible. This is life. Now that I am away from my family and friends and love ones, I see things differently. Life on the other side of the world I used to know becomes strange. Defined on a new perspective, life becomes a challenge that coexists with my destiny. I miss my dad, mom, my siblings. I know I had not spent so much quality time with them but really I miss them a lot. Now it is Christmas and I am alone. My family matters to me the most. My loneliness coupled with the thought of being with them here to where I am now will be my supreme sacrifice. Someday I know we will be together. And that what my life will be about. There is no place like back home. There is no Christmas like the way I used to know it.

Yesterday after attending mass I went to see the Memoirs of Geisha . It was stunning! What with subtle performances of the players, the dialogues, the settings - they all remind me of how life is. It is a narration of one's life, from discovering who and what she is to realizing what she has become and becoming who she really is. As the movie unravels before me, my life seems to unravel itself in my mind. It kept on bringing back the struggles. The struggle to knowing who and what I am to the struggle of being the person I know I am and what I am. Within the strugglesare battles. The battlefield is my existence and the warare my challenges. There are difficulties and uncertainties;but nevertheless, there are triumphs and victories.There may be rough roads and uphills but there are plains andfree ways too.Life is ever evolving. It keeps on changing to make our existence more meaningful and worthwhile. As the movie comes to a positive note, I then come to believe as I always do that ...

As I am seated by the computer, my favorite song plays on and inside my mind and my heart I am longing for someone. I keep on thinking til it hurts. Til the pain I can no longer bear. Deep within me is an ocean of memories. Memories painted by the colors and hue of someone I dearly hope to be with forever. Memories etched by the love of someone who knows me more than anyone else. Memories carved by the settings of the sun and passings of time. There will be no memories... There will be no love... There will be no me... ...without YOU!

There are strangers around me. I see movements. I hear laughters. I smell the pangs of bitterness. I talk and no one would listen. I cry and no one would notice. I shout at the top my lungs and no... just no one would hear. Standing still. In the midst of strangers. Passing by. I look at them. I recognize no one.They are mere human forms. They have no names. And so this is what I am in the midst of strangers.

Far from the things I used to do, far from the people I used to meet, far from the fun I used to have...life can be quite difficult. I keep on longing...longing for things to turn up the way it is. But that would never happen. In a world where everything evolves, anything can happen. Apparently, things come unexpectedly. It is not how I wish life would be but how should I go with it. Life is a current. Go with the flow. It leads me to my destiny. Whatever, whereever, life beckons me to move on... As I trod the path of my destiny, there are things that remain as they are. I may not always have them around me. I may not always hear them, talk to them, have fun with them but I know that no matter what my destiny is they will always be there for me. Some things last for good. And this is how I measure my treasure. They are my treasures. Life depends on them.

It has been a long a time since then. But I could still recall the details of each encounter. I could still hear the sounds of laughters, of fun, of talks. I could still describe the petty quarrels, the misunderstandings, the disagreements. Those were the days when we walked through our destiny...when we beckoned each passing moment to hurry up and make us see what awaits us...when the days seem restless and unnerving. Those were the times when I had no one but the friendship I had with you. You stood by me no matter what took place. You were there in my most trying moments. You were even willing to take a few steps behind just to make me shine and give that one moment I had with my dreams. And then alongside with me as I traveled through failures and successes. Days went on and with it we moved altogether to grow in knowledge, in learning, in friendship. Not a day would pass without saying how were we. It became a ritual, our ritual. It was those rare things that I surely long from so...

Today I went with my friends at the beach. Three of them celebrated birthdays and I decided to be with them. It was really my first. It was a small contingent of Filipinos here in Penang. Most of us met after hearing Mass on Sundays. It was my intention to have fun and since there was nothing to do (it was holiday because of the Chinese New Year) going to the beach and swimming would be a good alternative. An eye opener it was for me. As I talked and mingled with each one, I felt I was reading from my school books. I learned so much from them. Each story told was something for the movie. Well, it felt though I was listening to narration of real life stories on the tube. There were so much to admire from these men and women considered modern heroes of the land. They endured the loneliness for being separated from their loved ones. They braved the strangeness of a different environment, of an unknown culture, ofracial diversity. Life maybe difficult here but to them it is a promise of a ...

1985. That year, young ladies and gentlemen fresh from high school came together in that corner of the university. Everyone was a stranger. Each one was a mere face to another. There was no name yet. There was a blank wall separating one from the other. And yet each one was seated side by side. There was an eerie silence roaming around the room. Though there were voices hovering and small talks floating, yet still there was an unknown silence. Days moved into weeks. Weeks into months; months into years. As days passed by, each person also passed by into our lives. Enriching each life with their stories, experiences, triumphs and failures. We all moved together. As we moved towards learning and knowledge, as we journeyed through life's discovery and exploration, we found each other. We learned and appreciated our differences, our foibles, our uniqueness. It is in our diversity that we came to accept our own, our strengths, our limitations. As we grew into maturity, as we traveled on...

A friend and a colleague invited us for a dinner to her place. I was really excited since it would be my first. I didn't know how they celebrate their New Year. I just read somewhere that the celebration of the Chinese new year has begun a long long time ago. So in their calendar it is not 2006 but something like 4 thousand whatever. Food of course was the reason we were there. At the table there were traditional Chinese cuisine. It was neatly arranged. Then our friend put some grinded peanuts and cinnamon into the one at the center and told us to mix them up. As we mixed she also told us to roll it as high as we could. I had fun doing it. It was a tradition and whatever the meaning of it, I might not understand or know. It was delicious. Then I several servings of the various dishes in front of me. But what I enjoyed most was the circular revolving tray at the center. While it revolved it played a soft music. Amazing! I just thought I want one of that. However, it was an antique p...

As part of my lecture, I am writing something about the art of questioning. I included there the usual stuff-definitions, characteristics, the do's and don'ts, reasons for asking questions, skills needed, among others. However, as I go about putting all the ideas, there crop up more questions. Questions that I believe would make the notes more interesting. My experiences and exposures as a classroom teacher will be a valuable asset in putting good reflections. From them, I can cite certain situations that relate with the things I am about to say. This way I can deliver the lecture as reflective and experiential as much as I can. In life, there are many questions as there are many answers. Some questions linger for a while; some questions stay for a time. They are like humans. Some pass you by; some leave you; some stay. Some stay longer; some stay for a while. Those who stay leave their mark that changes your life. Those who stay a bit leaves you something to remember them by. ...

Distance; I am always afraid of distance. Not that it gives me a scare or a fright but whenever I encounter it, it gives me a different indescribable feeling. In mathematics, when we talk about it, it involves time and rate. That means, when we talk of distance, we actually mean how much time has already lapsed and how fast has it gone by. Being at the other side from where you are now, being separated by time, being harassed by the lonely days that go by...matters not. Something will always remain the same. Something will always be just like the way they are. Like the flowers that beautifully bloom during the day. That however warm the sun shines in her petals, however harsh the beats of each rain drop, however lonely she can be in the midst of an empty green...and however she says goodbye to that beauty each time the night falls... she remains confident for a new day, trusting that each moment is another beginning. It is her opportunity to show what she has. The time that elapses mak...

It was around 7 in the evening. I was at the office checking my mails. My handphone rang. It was Arthur. He was in Japan. Trembling my body was. I heard that voice after a long, long while. I expected the call. He told me through email that he would call me by Sunday. In fact, I waited the whole day. I thought he never would. He said he could not connect. I gave him the wrong number or the wrong country code or the wrong...oh I don't remember, everything seemed perfect. Don't get it wrong. It was a Sunday. I read at Mass. After the mass, I talked and mingled with my friends. I met some familiar faces and some new ones. It was fun. Then, I learned that I would be reading the sermon (homily) on the third Sunday. There would be no mass. Priests will be going on a week-long retreat by then. There will be just a special service. I was happy and honored. On my way home, I met some Malay. I cannot talk their language, they cannot talk English. But we talked. Friendship (in whatever fo...

The day was almost spent and yet nothing unusual came out of it. There seemed to be a void inside me. You know the feeling that you feel something but you just can't say what it is. It is like that. In mathematics, there are lots of undefined terms. Those assumed to be acceptable and true. Life has its share. I assume so much...so much that it becomes expectations...so much that it becomes punishing. Again and again, I hope for surprises. Those unexpected things to come out of nowhere. Those certain things that unexpectedly turn and make a difference in your life. It is like an 'AHA' experience in mathematics. After working laboriously on a challenging problem, attempting every strategy there is, then suddenly an insight would occur and that resolves it. So far, no 'aha' has happened. In class, I always tell my students not to expect much. With expectation comes a deep desire. And when that desire is not satisfied, the pain is unbearable.This expectation comes from ...

The day has been devoted to journal writing. No, I am not writing my journals but I am organizing my lectures about journals. Yesterday I remember I had nothing in mind about what to write and how to begin with. Today ideas just came flowing. Anyway, journals are not new to me. I like journal writing and I believe I can come up with fresh materials about it. I have written a lot about journals. Some of them were based from references fished from the web. Some were from books and research studies. But most, and I am glad about it, were from my experiences about using journals in class. Four years ago after my Ateneo stint I started requiring my students to submit weekly journals. Definitely, the response was quite lukewarm at the beginning. Students see them as added burden on their part. Moreover, colleagues were as lackluster as could be. They were not enthusiastic about the idea. Journals would be uninvited. Partly what they feel about journals is true. However, there is much to jour...

Today I felt so nervous. Only a week left and the regular course is on. Since assuming the post of course supervisor, I know I have been doing my best. But how good is my best? After preparing the course outline and successfully presented it to consultants and colleagues, I embarked on gathering the details of how the course will proceed. I kept constantly busy surfing the net for new ideas. Actually I fished a lot. There were so many things going on around the world. I would be very glad to share them with the participants. My notes, I think I have prepared my best notes. In fact, as I told Mr. Deva, the head of the training programme, that I intend to publish my materials in the future. So, how can I safeguard my lectures? Well, simply claim that it is copyrighted. That so! It took so much time writing a piece of the lecture. That's why, when I was looking at them after printing, I would tell myself that it is like writing an article for publication. I really did so much for a le...

It was a busy day in the office. We had a meeting and we were expecting some visitors coming. I was the most tense of all because I was tasked to meet with them and make a presentation. Whew! What a way to start my life as a mathematics education specialist! Just before noon, the meeting was over. Goodness, I also was done with the visitors. They were teachers from some Polytechnic College in Malaysia and they wanted to know what are we doing in RECSAM. Sounds like they are spying on us! I just told them what I know and answered their questions. I was telling them about blind students studying mathematics in the Philippines as a reply to a question about blind mathematics. To my dismay and embarrassment, what he meant about blind mathematics are those students who are low achievers and perform poorly! It left me some few moments to regain my sanity again. I was standing in front of them hoping that the floor would somehow swallow me for the time being and just let go when they were gon...

What would you expect from someone who is alone in a far away land? Oh, he is just seated in his computer doing some office works up to the dead of the night. Hey, today is love day! I am tempted to ask what is love ? I never thought I still know what love is. It has been this way since I came. This morning when I arrived at the office, there was still no one. That means I came before the others. As each one entered, I greeted them with all vigor a Happy Valentine's day. Almost all of them laugh at the greetings. When the last expected person came, I had the same reaction. Wondering why, I asked one of my colleagues, do you celebrate Valentine here ? Then that I thought that I am not in a Catholic country. But Valentine is supposed to be a celebration of love. I just thought that love encompasses everything - belief, religion, color, race. As the day went by, I was telling everybody that today back home, most, if not all, but I guess all of them, hotels, moviehouses, restaurants, p...

Today the course of which I am the superviosr started. I had 15 participants. There was no one from Myanmar, 4 paying participants from Thailand and one from Kenya. This afternoon, I gave them the briefing and it turned out to be wonderful. Though there were those who could not communicate well with English, it should not deter them in fully participating in every session. When I was one of the particpants back in 2004, I felt the difficulty of having them as co-participants. It is as if asking them why were they here in the first place. Now that I am the supervisor, I see it in different perspectives. Language is important but should not be a barrier to communication. I told them if they could not say it, then write down. If they could not put it on papers, then make use of sign language. If still it is not possible, then use facial expressions. The thingi would like to get across at is that we have to find ways and means to express ourselves. In our first session this afternoo, I enc...

I have never been away from any of your birthdays in the past. But today I am in a distant land. I become a stranger to the people around me as they are to me. I used to think that you don't know me as I am. Stranger I become to you. Like the people who used to gather around me each day. There are things to say. There are words that need be spoken. But sometimes silence speaks better than any word conveys. I sense that I have not completely explored that part between you and me. We have not spent so much time telling things to each other. We have not spent much time on our own. I was not the one you expected me to be. I was completely different from the person you wanted me to be. Yet, I am me.There are some moments in my life that I feel you totally disown me. You have never really accepted me as who and what I am. Still I pretend that I coexist with you in harmony. At times we might be beside each other but I felt that a great distance separated us. At times I attempted to narrow...