Been Some Time

It took me some time to make another entry. Not that I am busy. I do not even admit that to myself. Not that I do not have the time. I have all the time I need. Not that I do not have anything to write about. So many things have happened in between. Just can't explain the lull. Maybe I am just too lazy to put my thoughts down. Anyway nobody cares or bothers. But I told myself what the heck. This gives me the impetus to go on living and live I will.

There are pains. I felt pains. I am still having them now. I think the pain will stay. Whatever causes the pains, that I could not understand. Sometimes it is self-inflicted. I deserve it. For not knowing how to handle life, I deserve all the pains. That is gross. It's unfair. I thought I was doing myself justice. But why do I have to punish myself for being what I am? I have my limitations, my strengths, my weakness. I am well aware of them. I could not help it when I would not be accepted as I am. I just let be.

As I ponder on the days that gone by, tears started kissing my cheeks. Memories poured in like raindrops. One by one, they flashed before me. There were happy moments. There were sad moments. Moments I lived, moments I am living. Life is every moment that takes place. I had my moments. I still have those moments.

It is reality that beckons me. Life is not exactly what I expect it to be. When we expect things, the least that they become. Frustrations envelope me. That's why it pains me. It hurts me. And I am alone. That makes it more unbearable.

When those high moments came flashing by, I turned in a big smile amidst the tears flowing right into my lips. I had my days. I still have them. What glorious feeling! Yet life cannot always be like that. Those days come. Those days go.

Days, like everyone, come and go. Life has no permanent time. What you have now is what you all have. You lose it the moment you have it. Someone says hello. Someone says goodbye. It is always like that.

In between those haves and have nots, life is a shadow outlined by the mystery of existence. You create your own shadow. And the shadow traverses the path of your destiny. That defines you. That defines me.

There is emptiness in everyone. And like them, I am drown in the sea of emptiness. It is frightening. The only way out is to conquer it and let go. Let go of your expectations. Let go of your pains. Let go, just let go of your baggage. You cannot carry that around. It's much too heavy.

I close my eyes. Why? I do not know. It's been a long time. Yet I am still feeling the same way. Again, why?

Afraid, I maybe afraid that nobody remembers. I am here. And all that I am.

Just let go. Just let be.