Skip to main content

Been Some Time

It took me some time to make another entry. Not that I am busy. I do not even admit that to myself. Not that I do not have the time. I have all the time I need. Not that I do not have anything to write about. So many things have happened in between. Just can't explain the lull. Maybe I am just too lazy to put my thoughts down. Anyway nobody cares or bothers. But I told myself what the heck. This gives me the impetus to go on living and live I will.


There are pains. I felt pains. I am still having them now. I think the pain will stay. Whatever causes the pains, that I could not understand. Sometimes it is self-inflicted. I deserve it. For not knowing how to handle life, I deserve all the pains. That is gross. It's unfair. I thought I was doing myself justice. But why do I have to punish myself for being what I am? I have my limitations, my strengths, my weakness. I am well aware of them. I could not help it when I would not be accepted as I am. I just let be.


As I ponder on the days that gone by, tears started kissing my cheeks. Memories poured in like raindrops. One by one, they flashed before me. There were happy moments. There were sad moments. Moments I lived, moments I am living. Life is every moment that takes place. I had my moments. I still have those moments.


It is reality that beckons me. Life is not exactly what I expect it to be. When we expect things, the least that they become. Frustrations envelope me. That's why it pains me. It hurts me. And I am alone. That makes it more unbearable.


When those high moments came flashing by, I turned in a big smile amidst the tears flowing right into my lips. I had my days. I still have them. What glorious feeling! Yet life cannot always be like that. Those days come. Those days go.


Days, like everyone, come and go. Life has no permanent time. What you have now is what you all have. You lose it the moment you have it. Someone says hello. Someone says goodbye. It is always like that.


In between those haves and have nots, life is a shadow outlined by the mystery of existence. You create your own shadow. And the shadow traverses the path of your destiny. That defines you. That defines me.


There is emptiness in everyone. And like them, I am drown in the sea of emptiness. It is frightening. The only way out is to conquer it and let go. Let go of your expectations. Let go of your pains. Let go, just let go of your baggage. You cannot carry that around. It's much too heavy.


I close my eyes. Why? I do not know. It's been a long time. Yet I am still feeling the same way. Again, why?


Afraid, I maybe afraid that nobody remembers. I am here. And all that I am.


Just let go. Just let be.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ash Wednesday

Today Lenten season begins. Together with the Filipino participants, I am going to attend Mass for the traditional ash-marking in the forehead. Since I am in a far away land, it is an opportunity for me to look back and reflect on how my life has been. I know I have a blessed life. I have been given so much. And I am thankful for all that come my way. There were good memories. There were sad memories even painful ones. But even the littlest detail of my life has been a lesson learned. When I picture the people who are always there for me in my mind, I just can't help but ask, have I been there for them ?In the process, there were those who came and left their marks behind yet there were those who came and left scars in my heart. Nevertheless, somewhere in my life, I have been me. I was touched. I was hurt. And nothing compares the pain of loneliness, of emptiness, of being ignored. As the season unfolds, let it be my resolve to look back and let go of the heavy burdens in my load. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why

You ran away from me. I could not understand. You always did that when the truth surfaces. I was just telling you about it. I was not even bragging nor nagging you. Hurt; I was hurt by it. And you don’t know. How will you know when you stop noticing? How will you notice when you stop caring? How will you care when there is nothing anymore? Don’t make me feel this way. I knew it all along. I hid it from you. Because there is a greater reason to keep it. I understand. And I can cover up the pain just to have you in my life. But you still chose to leave me. I was asking why, and you gave me no reason. I deserve to know; and you gave me nothing. You just said I was a mistake in your life. Just let me ask you. The truth hurts, but it frees us from the lies that surround us. Now I know. You don’t have to say it. You just showed it to me. To make me feel what you wanted to say. I should have been the one to run away from it. Don’t you think so? What are you doing to me? It seems to me that wh...
Post a Comment
Read more

Panic

Today I felt so nervous. Only a week left and the regular course is on. Since assuming the post of course supervisor, I know I have been doing my best. But how good is my best? After preparing the course outline and successfully presented it to consultants and colleagues, I embarked on gathering the details of how the course will proceed. I kept constantly busy surfing the net for new ideas. Actually I fished a lot. There were so many things going on around the world. I would be very glad to share them with the participants. My notes, I think I have prepared my best notes. In fact, as I told Mr. Deva, the head of the training programme, that I intend to publish my materials in the future. So, how can I safeguard my lectures? Well, simply claim that it is copyrighted. That so! It took so much time writing a piece of the lecture. That's why, when I was looking at them after printing, I would tell myself that it is like writing an article for publication. I really did so much for a le...
Post a Comment
Read more