Skip to main content

How Then

After eight months or so, you came back just when I started telling myself maybe it was over. I read your email. I cried when I saw your name. I could hardly believe it.


There were two reasons why I cried. First, your unexpected presence in my mail gave me a total shock. You may ask why? That's the second reason. I thought that I am ready to move on, leave everything behind me and start anew.


Without you, it may be easy. There would be no you to wait and to think about. There would be no you to make me feel guilty about ignoring you even if it had not been my fault. But I believe that I have done the best I could to salvage this relationship. Everyday there would be an email for you even if it only contained simple hi's and how are you's. Often I gave you a call even if it means spending much for the load. Though I know that all these are part to maintain whatever we have. Yet at the end, I would still pause and tell myself, it was only me who made the effort of keeping the love alive. Something has been missing somewhere: you.


I have to admit. I met someone. We are not involved romantically or intimately. We are friends. And this friendship becomes my shield from the emptiness and the loneliness I feel. The longing I have for you has been filled by this friendship. I do not want to claim that I am falling in love but I do not want to deny that either. You could just say that I am still confused with what I am feeling right now. I like to entertain the thought that I have someone I can be myself with just like when I was with you then. I do not want to haphazardly commit myself to that involvement yet without being sure about it.


Still there was you to consider. I do not want to make a mess about us, about what we have, about my friend.


As I am evolving into this new found connection, as I find myself being happy and accepting, there you were again. You make the peace I am starting to enjoy chaotic. Difficult, it was truly difficult to assess how is it in me. About you, I am still sure that I only need time to reconnect. About my friend, I am sure I need the time to heal myself of the potential pain.


How could it be that when I thought I have a fresh lease on love and lifemy past came back into the picture again? Though I do not consider us history but I am prepared to call it done.


I hope you understand.


I hope my friend will understand. We both know that what we refused to discuss and to admit will haunt us. By choice, we avoided discussing about us, about the looming attachment, but we are aware it's there. Now without much option available to us we have to face it. The ghost we created is hunting us and we need to face it to overcome it.


Ma, I am always here for you. Friend, I will remain the same no matter what happen. But life is no life at all when I have to give up either one of you.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Course Starts

Today the course of which I am the superviosr started. I had 15 participants. There was no one from Myanmar, 4 paying participants from Thailand and one from Kenya. This afternoon, I gave them the briefing and it turned out to be wonderful. Though there were those who could not communicate well with English, it should not deter them in fully participating in every session. When I was one of the particpants back in 2004, I felt the difficulty of having them as co-participants. It is as if asking them why were they here in the first place. Now that I am the supervisor, I see it in different perspectives. Language is important but should not be a barrier to communication. I told them if they could not say it, then write down. If they could not put it on papers, then make use of sign language. If still it is not possible, then use facial expressions. The thingi would like to get across at is that we have to find ways and means to express ourselves. In our first session this afternoo, I enc...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jasmin

When you were born I was in the 6th grade. I vividly remember that day. I went to class gladly telling my friends that you already came after a long wait. Perhaps being the eldest child, I had that rare opportunity to be a silent witness to all of you, my siblings, coming to the world. I was in Manila when you were growing up. Dad and Mom sent me to the city to further my studies. I stayed there til I finished my graduate work. Though I went back in between breaks and during holidays, I still felt that I never really saw you blossomed into a young lady. I felt that I missed something. When I decided to teach and stay, then I realized that you were not a child anymore. I have my own world and you have yours. I did not understand that. All I knew then was that you should fit into my world, that we belong to the same world. I was wrong. And that was my greatest mistake. I tried to make amends of the things I took for granted. You were one of those. I never truly bothered to ask you how yo...
Post a Comment
Read more

How

It was already late. Sleep never wanted to disturb me from thinking. It never wanted to liberate me from the pain I was going through. I kept on thinking, thinking til I was numb. I could only feel the throbbing pain that's left after. I would have wanted to free myself from this misery. That early dose of sleep would be quite a relief. But I could not find any of that. My body was begging for some well deserved rest after a long day. Yet the day was made longer by my petty foolishness. This has been difficult for me. I know there was nothing to expect. I did not expect for your message, your email, your sms, your visit, any of that. I did not expect you to greet me on our special day. I did not expect you to show up. I did not expect you... And I expected myself to be this lonely. There was nothing I could do but to allow the tears washed the stain on my cheeks. It went down to even wash the dust that covered my neck. Til it refrained from further flowing down...the tears stopped ...
Post a Comment
Read more