How

It was already late. Sleep never wanted to disturb me from thinking. It never wanted to liberate me from the pain I was going through. I kept on thinking, thinking til I was numb. I could only feel the throbbing pain that's left after.

I would have wanted to free myself from this misery. That early dose of sleep would be quite a relief. But I could not find any of that. My body was begging for some well deserved rest after a long day. Yet the day was made longer by my petty foolishness.

This has been difficult for me. I know there was nothing to expect. I did not expect for your message, your email, your sms, your visit, any of that. I did not expect you to greet me on our special day. I did not expect you to show up. I did not expect you...

And I expected myself to be this lonely.

There was nothing I could do but to allow the tears washed the stain on my cheeks. It went down to even wash the dust that covered my neck. Til it refrained from further flowing down...the tears stopped from pursuing its path. As the cold wind kissed my body, it eventually dried the tears. And my pain lingered on. I thought the tears would carry them and free me from my misery.

Each time I closed my eyes, there was you. Each time I opened them, it was you I see. My heart beat nothing but the memories of you. And my mind blamed me for letting you go.

No, I did not let you go. That would be too kind on me. You left me. You left me because I was a fool; I was a liar; I was good for nothing. You left me because I cheated you. I hurt you.

You love me with the most special love. Yet, what have I done?

Forgiveness; I do not expect any of that from you. I deserve this. Don't worry, I will not try to win you back. I do not have the face, the strength and the courage to even show up to you. More so, to talk to you.

But I love you just the same.

Never mind me. Let me wallow in my own misery. I deserve this.