Skip to main content

How

It was already late. Sleep never wanted to disturb me from thinking. It never wanted to liberate me from the pain I was going through. I kept on thinking, thinking til I was numb. I could only feel the throbbing pain that's left after.

I would have wanted to free myself from this misery. That early dose of sleep would be quite a relief. But I could not find any of that. My body was begging for some well deserved rest after a long day. Yet the day was made longer by my petty foolishness.

This has been difficult for me. I know there was nothing to expect. I did not expect for your message, your email, your sms, your visit, any of that. I did not expect you to greet me on our special day. I did not expect you to show up. I did not expect you...

And I expected myself to be this lonely.

There was nothing I could do but to allow the tears washed the stain on my cheeks. It went down to even wash the dust that covered my neck. Til it refrained from further flowing down...the tears stopped from pursuing its path. As the cold wind kissed my body, it eventually dried the tears. And my pain lingered on. I thought the tears would carry them and free me from my misery.

Each time I closed my eyes, there was you. Each time I opened them, it was you I see. My heart beat nothing but the memories of you. And my mind blamed me for letting you go.

No, I did not let you go. That would be too kind on me. You left me. You left me because I was a fool; I was a liar; I was good for nothing. You left me because I cheated you. I hurt you.

You love me with the most special love. Yet, what have I done?

Forgiveness; I do not expect any of that from you. I deserve this. Don't worry, I will not try to win you back. I do not have the face, the strength and the courage to even show up to you. More so, to talk to you.

But I love you just the same.

Never mind me. Let me wallow in my own misery. I deserve this.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Panic

Today I felt so nervous. Only a week left and the regular course is on. Since assuming the post of course supervisor, I know I have been doing my best. But how good is my best? After preparing the course outline and successfully presented it to consultants and colleagues, I embarked on gathering the details of how the course will proceed. I kept constantly busy surfing the net for new ideas. Actually I fished a lot. There were so many things going on around the world. I would be very glad to share them with the participants. My notes, I think I have prepared my best notes. In fact, as I told Mr. Deva, the head of the training programme, that I intend to publish my materials in the future. So, how can I safeguard my lectures? Well, simply claim that it is copyrighted. That so! It took so much time writing a piece of the lecture. That's why, when I was looking at them after printing, I would tell myself that it is like writing an article for publication. I really did so much for a le...
Post a Comment
Read more

Far You Maybe

Distance; I am always afraid of distance. Not that it gives me a scare or a fright but whenever I encounter it, it gives me a different indescribable feeling. In mathematics, when we talk about it, it involves time and rate. That means, when we talk of distance, we actually mean how much time has already lapsed and how fast has it gone by. Being at the other side from where you are now, being separated by time, being harassed by the lonely days that go by...matters not. Something will always remain the same. Something will always be just like the way they are. Like the flowers that beautifully bloom during the day. That however warm the sun shines in her petals, however harsh the beats of each rain drop, however lonely she can be in the midst of an empty green...and however she says goodbye to that beauty each time the night falls... she remains confident for a new day, trusting that each moment is another beginning. It is her opportunity to show what she has. The time that elapses mak...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ash Wednesday

Today Lenten season begins. Together with the Filipino participants, I am going to attend Mass for the traditional ash-marking in the forehead. Since I am in a far away land, it is an opportunity for me to look back and reflect on how my life has been. I know I have a blessed life. I have been given so much. And I am thankful for all that come my way. There were good memories. There were sad memories even painful ones. But even the littlest detail of my life has been a lesson learned. When I picture the people who are always there for me in my mind, I just can't help but ask, have I been there for them ?In the process, there were those who came and left their marks behind yet there were those who came and left scars in my heart. Nevertheless, somewhere in my life, I have been me. I was touched. I was hurt. And nothing compares the pain of loneliness, of emptiness, of being ignored. As the season unfolds, let it be my resolve to look back and let go of the heavy burdens in my load. ...
Post a Comment
Read more