Skip to main content

How

It was already late. Sleep never wanted to disturb me from thinking. It never wanted to liberate me from the pain I was going through. I kept on thinking, thinking til I was numb. I could only feel the throbbing pain that's left after.

I would have wanted to free myself from this misery. That early dose of sleep would be quite a relief. But I could not find any of that. My body was begging for some well deserved rest after a long day. Yet the day was made longer by my petty foolishness.

This has been difficult for me. I know there was nothing to expect. I did not expect for your message, your email, your sms, your visit, any of that. I did not expect you to greet me on our special day. I did not expect you to show up. I did not expect you...

And I expected myself to be this lonely.

There was nothing I could do but to allow the tears washed the stain on my cheeks. It went down to even wash the dust that covered my neck. Til it refrained from further flowing down...the tears stopped from pursuing its path. As the cold wind kissed my body, it eventually dried the tears. And my pain lingered on. I thought the tears would carry them and free me from my misery.

Each time I closed my eyes, there was you. Each time I opened them, it was you I see. My heart beat nothing but the memories of you. And my mind blamed me for letting you go.

No, I did not let you go. That would be too kind on me. You left me. You left me because I was a fool; I was a liar; I was good for nothing. You left me because I cheated you. I hurt you.

You love me with the most special love. Yet, what have I done?

Forgiveness; I do not expect any of that from you. I deserve this. Don't worry, I will not try to win you back. I do not have the face, the strength and the courage to even show up to you. More so, to talk to you.

But I love you just the same.

Never mind me. Let me wallow in my own misery. I deserve this.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Swimming

We went for a night swimming. My friends and I enjoyed the cool breeze of the starry night in Alroa (that's the name of the resort). Well, I did not exactly go for a dip but as I said I enjoyed the night and the thought that I was out of home. I rarely get out of the house since vacation started. I just don't know but I was actually afraid of leaving home after that 'incident' that happened a week ago. It frightens me til now. Having survived that, I believe it was kinda life changing. It made me change the way I look at my life now. It feels weird but I really enjoy being at home, with my mom and being alone with myself. But I had to admit that it is suffocating at times. I need to get out to breathe some fresh air and enjoy a refreshingly new environment. I believe that everyone of us, once in our life, well, maybe more, experiences that kind of imprisonment. We feel we are being burdened by our loneliness, that it is okay to be alone. But hey, one day, we will wake u...

Ash Wednesday

Today Lenten season begins. Together with the Filipino participants, I am going to attend Mass for the traditional ash-marking in the forehead. Since I am in a far away land, it is an opportunity for me to look back and reflect on how my life has been. I know I have a blessed life. I have been given so much. And I am thankful for all that come my way. There were good memories. There were sad memories even painful ones. But even the littlest detail of my life has been a lesson learned. When I picture the people who are always there for me in my mind, I just can't help but ask, have I been there for them ?In the process, there were those who came and left their marks behind yet there were those who came and left scars in my heart. Nevertheless, somewhere in my life, I have been me. I was touched. I was hurt. And nothing compares the pain of loneliness, of emptiness, of being ignored. As the season unfolds, let it be my resolve to look back and let go of the heavy burdens in my load. ...

Why

You ran away from me. I could not understand. You always did that when the truth surfaces. I was just telling you about it. I was not even bragging nor nagging you. Hurt; I was hurt by it. And you don’t know. How will you know when you stop noticing? How will you notice when you stop caring? How will you care when there is nothing anymore? Don’t make me feel this way. I knew it all along. I hid it from you. Because there is a greater reason to keep it. I understand. And I can cover up the pain just to have you in my life. But you still chose to leave me. I was asking why, and you gave me no reason. I deserve to know; and you gave me nothing. You just said I was a mistake in your life. Just let me ask you. The truth hurts, but it frees us from the lies that surround us. Now I know. You don’t have to say it. You just showed it to me. To make me feel what you wanted to say. I should have been the one to run away from it. Don’t you think so? What are you doing to me? It seems to me that wh...