Waiting

The day was almost spent and yet nothing unusual came out of it. There seemed to be a void inside me. You know the feeling that you feel something but you just can't say what it is. It is like that. In mathematics, there are lots of undefined terms. Those assumed to be acceptable and true. Life has its share. I assume so much...so much that it becomes expectations...so much that it becomes punishing.

Again and again, I hope for surprises. Those unexpected things to come out of nowhere. Those certain things that unexpectedly turn and make a difference in your life. It is like an 'AHA' experience in mathematics. After working laboriously on a challenging problem, attempting every strategy there is, then suddenly an insight would occur and that resolves it.

So far, no 'aha' has happened. In class, I always tell my students not to expect much. With expectation comes a deep desire. And when that desire is not satisfied, the pain is unbearable.This expectation comes from little things such as waiting for a call, a letter, an email, or from big things such as a promotion, a raise, a trip. No matter how small or grand it may be, if it is not satisfied, we lose the will to move about at the moment.

I feel that way. I could not explain why. I only know that I do feel that way. I hate feeling like this. I have been to too much trouble in my life. I do not want to still drone myself with the same mistake and experience.

I already learn my lessons the hard way. I do not want to indulge with the same emotions once more. Though I escape not the reality of it, I am determined to face it and overcome. It takes time. It waits. It is in waiting that the heart learns the art of living.