Skip to main content

Never Thought

You are my friend. And this friendship means so much to me. You have shown me how to deal with my emptiness, with my loneliness, with myself. I won't do anything that will harm this friendship, anything that will ruin the bond that keeps us as we are. I will in my best capacity remain the same person as you know me as I am. Nothing will get in our way and I will never allow anything to do so.


You were the first person whosaid that we are happy together, thatI do not have to worry because you only have me, that you are mine, that I have to trust youand be happy with it.


My friend, I believe you. Deep inmy heartare scores of pains created by thepast. These pains taught me more than books have ever done. Embedded in my consciousness is the fact that I am not immune to more painsthat will come my way.But I want you to know that I may not be a warrior yet I can be ashield. I may not be a sword but Ican be a mighty pen.I may not be your lover yet I will remain your friend.


In my past I have encountered so much, though I am still prepared tomore. Timeswere there when I felt I could not take itany further, when I felt that the world has ignored me and my life has just become a speck in its vastness. I dostillfeel the same. Then you came into my life. Apparently something has changed.


Like asolution to a mathematical problem, you revise the way it should be done. You show me an alternativemethod of doing so. You came at a time when I needed some shoulders to lean on, somehands to holdwith, some smiles to sparkle my days.


And we become as we are. As days go by, I can feel that you are getting deep within me. On the other hand, I can sense that you are also traversinga different path. How could that be? It is quite frightening.


We both can feel. We both know. We both deny.


Still the laughters, the togetherness, the friendship remain. Uncorrupted by whatever we refuse to admit to ourselves, we let it be. You are there for me. I am there for you.


I know I am hiding. How long could I bear it? How long could I conceal the feelings? Will my eyes not betray me? Will my smiles protect me?


Loving you is perhaps more complicated than being your friend. So I just become who am I to you and somehow forget what am I and how I feel about you.

This friendship is an escape. It enables me to be free from my innermost doubts and allows me to create a world of my own. Yet it is so real that I could feel the pain, and that what makes it more beautiful.


My friend, I never thought that it could happen. And here I am. Despite the struggles, I know I am bound to fail again.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Course Starts

Today the course of which I am the superviosr started. I had 15 participants. There was no one from Myanmar, 4 paying participants from Thailand and one from Kenya. This afternoon, I gave them the briefing and it turned out to be wonderful. Though there were those who could not communicate well with English, it should not deter them in fully participating in every session. When I was one of the particpants back in 2004, I felt the difficulty of having them as co-participants. It is as if asking them why were they here in the first place. Now that I am the supervisor, I see it in different perspectives. Language is important but should not be a barrier to communication. I told them if they could not say it, then write down. If they could not put it on papers, then make use of sign language. If still it is not possible, then use facial expressions. The thingi would like to get across at is that we have to find ways and means to express ourselves. In our first session this afternoo, I enc...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jasmin

When you were born I was in the 6th grade. I vividly remember that day. I went to class gladly telling my friends that you already came after a long wait. Perhaps being the eldest child, I had that rare opportunity to be a silent witness to all of you, my siblings, coming to the world. I was in Manila when you were growing up. Dad and Mom sent me to the city to further my studies. I stayed there til I finished my graduate work. Though I went back in between breaks and during holidays, I still felt that I never really saw you blossomed into a young lady. I felt that I missed something. When I decided to teach and stay, then I realized that you were not a child anymore. I have my own world and you have yours. I did not understand that. All I knew then was that you should fit into my world, that we belong to the same world. I was wrong. And that was my greatest mistake. I tried to make amends of the things I took for granted. You were one of those. I never truly bothered to ask you how yo...
Post a Comment
Read more

How

It was already late. Sleep never wanted to disturb me from thinking. It never wanted to liberate me from the pain I was going through. I kept on thinking, thinking til I was numb. I could only feel the throbbing pain that's left after. I would have wanted to free myself from this misery. That early dose of sleep would be quite a relief. But I could not find any of that. My body was begging for some well deserved rest after a long day. Yet the day was made longer by my petty foolishness. This has been difficult for me. I know there was nothing to expect. I did not expect for your message, your email, your sms, your visit, any of that. I did not expect you to greet me on our special day. I did not expect you to show up. I did not expect you... And I expected myself to be this lonely. There was nothing I could do but to allow the tears washed the stain on my cheeks. It went down to even wash the dust that covered my neck. Til it refrained from further flowing down...the tears stopped ...
Post a Comment
Read more