Hoping

Two months since I still hold it dear in my heart.

I could not entertain the thought that you were gone from my life. It has been five wonderful years. I could not even believe that this would happen. Again and again, I told myself that it was all my fault. And I admit that. I had been too much.

Now, here I am regretting all the things that transpired. I was thinking what would we be had we still have each other. You could imagine the disappointment creeping inside of me. It feels as though every fiber of my body throbs with pain, as if every vein knows about the misery.

I am going through a most difficult phase of my life. I am not prepared for this.

After taking my TOEFL IPT, we talked. You said that you realized that what we had was all wrong. There was no point arguing with you about that. I respect your decision as I always will. Again I was not prepared for that. Suddenly you had a complete change of heart. Whew!...what could I say? Left to myself, I could not gather the strength to even utter a word neither to think of anything meaningful to say.

There you were after five years telling me about that realization. I admire you for that. But it occurred to me that it seems easy for you. Why? I thought it unfair. I was having difficulty dealing with it and yet there you were having the time of your life without me.

And I am left with my misery. Friends would tease me being the only one feeling this way and you were feeling otherwise. Ahhh, that sometimes life could be really unfair is itself miserable.

Don't worry I am fine. Time will get me through this. I have to cope with it.

Cope? How? That I do not know. All I know is to wait.

That you would be here.