Skip to main content

Hoping

Two months since I still hold it dear in my heart.

I could not entertain the thought that you were gone from my life. It has been five wonderful years. I could not even believe that this would happen. Again and again, I told myself that it was all my fault. And I admit that. I had been too much.

Now, here I am regretting all the things that transpired. I was thinking what would we be had we still have each other. You could imagine the disappointment creeping inside of me. It feels as though every fiber of my body throbs with pain, as if every vein knows about the misery.

I am going through a most difficult phase of my life. I am not prepared for this.

After taking my TOEFL IPT, we talked. You said that you realized that what we had was all wrong. There was no point arguing with you about that. I respect your decision as I always will. Again I was not prepared for that. Suddenly you had a complete change of heart. Whew!...what could I say? Left to myself, I could not gather the strength to even utter a word neither to think of anything meaningful to say.

There you were after five years telling me about that realization. I admire you for that. But it occurred to me that it seems easy for you. Why? I thought it unfair. I was having difficulty dealing with it and yet there you were having the time of your life without me.

And I am left with my misery. Friends would tease me being the only one feeling this way and you were feeling otherwise. Ahhh, that sometimes life could be really unfair is itself miserable.

Don't worry I am fine. Time will get me through this. I have to cope with it.

Cope? How? That I do not know. All I know is to wait.

That you would be here.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ash Wednesday

Today Lenten season begins. Together with the Filipino participants, I am going to attend Mass for the traditional ash-marking in the forehead. Since I am in a far away land, it is an opportunity for me to look back and reflect on how my life has been. I know I have a blessed life. I have been given so much. And I am thankful for all that come my way. There were good memories. There were sad memories even painful ones. But even the littlest detail of my life has been a lesson learned. When I picture the people who are always there for me in my mind, I just can't help but ask, have I been there for them ?In the process, there were those who came and left their marks behind yet there were those who came and left scars in my heart. Nevertheless, somewhere in my life, I have been me. I was touched. I was hurt. And nothing compares the pain of loneliness, of emptiness, of being ignored. As the season unfolds, let it be my resolve to look back and let go of the heavy burdens in my load. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why

You ran away from me. I could not understand. You always did that when the truth surfaces. I was just telling you about it. I was not even bragging nor nagging you. Hurt; I was hurt by it. And you don’t know. How will you know when you stop noticing? How will you notice when you stop caring? How will you care when there is nothing anymore? Don’t make me feel this way. I knew it all along. I hid it from you. Because there is a greater reason to keep it. I understand. And I can cover up the pain just to have you in my life. But you still chose to leave me. I was asking why, and you gave me no reason. I deserve to know; and you gave me nothing. You just said I was a mistake in your life. Just let me ask you. The truth hurts, but it frees us from the lies that surround us. Now I know. You don’t have to say it. You just showed it to me. To make me feel what you wanted to say. I should have been the one to run away from it. Don’t you think so? What are you doing to me? It seems to me that wh...
Post a Comment
Read more

Panic

Today I felt so nervous. Only a week left and the regular course is on. Since assuming the post of course supervisor, I know I have been doing my best. But how good is my best? After preparing the course outline and successfully presented it to consultants and colleagues, I embarked on gathering the details of how the course will proceed. I kept constantly busy surfing the net for new ideas. Actually I fished a lot. There were so many things going on around the world. I would be very glad to share them with the participants. My notes, I think I have prepared my best notes. In fact, as I told Mr. Deva, the head of the training programme, that I intend to publish my materials in the future. So, how can I safeguard my lectures? Well, simply claim that it is copyrighted. That so! It took so much time writing a piece of the lecture. That's why, when I was looking at them after printing, I would tell myself that it is like writing an article for publication. I really did so much for a le...
Post a Comment
Read more